367 days

Today would have been my ten year anniversary with the ex, and instead I sit and wait for a plane to take me from Detroit to New York, to get in to a car and travel to Connecticut and present to a group of physicians...


It has been 367 days since everything I thought I had, that I wanted, came crashing down. 

367 days that I never thought I'd survive, days that I spent growing in the most painful way possible. 

367 days where I learned that you can never take your friends for granted, because they will be the ones to offer to cuddle up in bed with you, or pull you out of it when you can't even remember how to put on your shoes, let alone where you left them.  Your friends will come over and clean your apartment, pick out your clothes and understand when "I just can't" means you really can't, or when it means you just need the extra push.  I learned that family is incredible, and the comfort of those who have known you since the moment of your birth, is worth more than gold.  That the ones who will rage the loudest at your defense are the ones you might have thought always thought he was the best part of you.  I have learned that the kindness of people you barely know can lift you up.  I have learned that you should go after things that you want, even if the idea of getting it is just as terrifying as not.  I have learned that love is possible again, and it might be scary and it might be hard, but it is worth it. But most importantly I learned that a relationship, that an expectation of how your life should be, does not define you.  I have learned to stand on my own two feet, to look in the mirror and be proud of the person I have become, and for that I am grateful.

I owe the ex our security deposit on our home together.  After he broke up with me and I received the deposit in the mail, I decided I deserved it.  Not because he broke up with me, but because I was caring for his cat and our dog.  I know... I know... but in some way it was justified in my mind.  And believe me, the cat, with all her kidney issues, has cost me close to a thousand dollars. 

But now that $400 is only the difference between me and a pair of Loubitons (ok and paying down a bit of debt), well, I realize I never should have kept it in the first place.

And I'm stuck.  Will he think that I am sending the money only to hurt him?  Will he be angry?  Will it cause him pain in any way? 

I could easily rationalize not sending it.  I accumulated a bit of debt when we lived together, neither of us being able to afford the lifestyle we preferred to live, and me having the significantly larger paycheck and credit limit.  But sending it will help me, I will no longer have that debt to him hanging over my head...  but I'm not sure if that's selfish.

And what I want to do is this; give the check to his father when I bring his stuff.  Tell him to send it to him, or give it to him the next time he is in town.  I'll include a note and tell him to read it only when he's ready.

And I will say- I forgive you, I forgive me.  Someday you will wake up, look at the person you love, and think, this is why it happened.  You will think of where you are, compared to where you were before, think of how much you have grown, how you felt pain you didn't know you could ever feel, and then felt joy and love, made all that sweeter because it grew from pain.  And you will know that it is all ok.  That the ways we hurt one another, while awful, led you to this.  You would not know the sweetness of true love, if you had not known the pain of a true love lost.  You would not know what it is like to do things that terrify you, because you had not known that you were a survivor.  You would not know what it is like to wake up every day thinking this very moment is a gift, because you hadn't woken up wishing this life away.  Perhaps you've already had that moment, perhaps you have forgiven me and most importantly forgiven yourself.  And while my greatest fear when you left was this, that you would become hardened to me, and we would not be friends, I understand and respect your wishes.  I wish that someday you will dance at my wedding and hold me with a smile in your heart, but I know that is your choice.  I want you to know I will always answer if you need me and know you probably never will.    You will always have a friend in me.