Comments on Big Girl Buddha Pants: Finding a Container for Love

Rebecca- yes, history can provide support, but you...

2010-07-29T13:28:28.603-07:00

Rebecca- yes, history can provide support, but you're right in no way does it provide permenance! There really is no way to garauntee it... How I wish there was! Although I suppose this is wonderful practice in letting go of that want to garauntee it!

Wise GC :) now if only I could do this more... but I do suppose that is why it is called a practice :)

And yes you dazzling Magpie Harley :) - but it still appears we are going to call it a duck....

I need labels too. I don't know why, but when ...

2010-07-29T05:02:14.421-07:00

I need labels too. I don't know why, but when I started seeing Scrubs and we were acting like boyfriend and girlfriend without actually BEING boyfriend and girlfriend, I felt suspiciously like I was being cheated, or like he was trying to have his cake and eat it. I don't think labels are as important to guys, but I found it necessary to talk to him the way you talked to your cute boy. It wasn't an ultimatum... but it was. It totally was. I have no interest of being taken advantage of and even though labels aren't important, once you're labelled as a couple you each have as much to lose as the other.

For example (and this is a flippant example), someone saying 'oh, he was scoring some girl but he's done with that now' plays down what is clearly a relationship no matter how you want to label it) and changes the meaning of a sentence that essentially should be 'he broke up with his girlfriend'.

Labels just carry a lot more weight, and as such, I think, a lot more value.

If it walks like a relationship and it talks like a relationship.... Why call it a duck?

Something inside you seeks permanence. "In ch...

2010-07-26T23:31:58.991-07:00

Something inside you seeks permanence. "In change there is the resolute." Those are two contradictory "facts." You recognize things change & may not be permanent, but you recognize also a need for permanence in many manifestations. Labels. Categories. Control of the process. Etc. All versus just feeling and enjoying. Go with the big biosphere. There is no control in a big biosphere. There is only freedom. That's my take.

I am meeting you at a vulnerable time. Thank you f...

2010-07-22T10:42:46.358-07:00

I am meeting you at a vulnerable time. Thank you for this opportunity to walk right on in.

I've been married for 22 years. Recently I went through one of those "are we really right for each other" seasons. We are not the same people who got married 22 years ago. We both changed.

The committment, while nice, doesn't stop those feelings of impermanence. Oh! how I wish it did! Because there are no illusions. Everything can fall apart.

You are wrestling with the same thing as me. And I've been "committed" for a big long time. I think it never stops being a practice.

I won't lie. History makes it easier. Having 22 years behind me makes each day feel more sturdy. But I still have days when I wonder, "will he still want me tomorrow, after I've behaved this way today?"

I think this is good. I'm not sure why. Your post is making me ask this question and, by living the questions I will find the answers.

What a dear one you are to make me think in this vulnerable way. Thank you.

Thank you bookbird- being authentic is difficult, ...

2010-07-12T20:13:00.737-07:00

Thank you bookbird- being authentic is difficult, I am hoping he will appreciate that I was but being careful not to expect that he will :).

Nathan, as usual your words are true, I am honoring his request for time, as much as I want to pick up the phone and ask him his thoughts, trying to be patient and trust he will tell me when he's ready.

Much metta.

it's important to give him the opportunity to ...

2010-07-12T18:25:12.061-07:00

it's important to give him the opportunity to say what he wants as well, without a sense that he's being pressured into some kind of perfectly clear and concise answer. maybe he's not clear about it. maybe he's scared. i have no idea really.

but also give yourself credit for taking a risk. at some point, you had to. it might propel things into a more committed place. and yes, it might be a deal breaker.

i wish both of you all the best.

hey there - i just want to give you kudos for livi...

2010-07-12T16:36:06.709-07:00

hey there - i just want to give you kudos for living with authenticity and integrity. And I can't help but think that whatever happens you have spoken from your heart... and a good partner/ lover/ friend will respect that and love you all the more for speaking from that place. I'm not surprised it feels so wobbly - for me, that's when I know I'm really onto something authentic. I hope he values that in you too!!

What a happy story! I thought about waiting for t...

2010-07-12T13:45:37.185-07:00

What a happy story! I thought about waiting for the cute boy to come to the conclusion on his own, but then realized I never told him that I wanted a commitment, I just sort of changed my mind and then became irritated he didn’t know! And yes, I have plenty of time. And the re-shaping of parameters and understanding what is a “deal breaker” and what I can live with is an experience I am fascinated with, it’s like I’m constantly learning more about myself. However some days I’d like to go back to a year ago when I was absolutely certain of what I wanted (although it’s nowhere near what I want today!).

Oh, Sweetie! Thanks for sharing. I think I can re...

2010-07-12T12:53:08.712-07:00

Oh, Sweetie! Thanks for sharing. I think I can relate a little.

When my husband and I were first dating (in our mid 20s), I learned that he never really wanted to get married. Something about not needing a state-sanctioned piece of paper to prove your commitment to someone. For me, getting married was an important way to proclaim my commitment to someone.

We dated for 5 years - not really ever talking about marriage, but he knew where I stood and I knew where he stood. At 30, I was looking to my future and realizing that if this relationship wasn't going to the next level, it needed to end. (scary!!!!)

I didn't get a chance to tell him that though, because he proposed! I was so shocked. We've been married for 2 years now.

There is no moral to this story and I don't actually have any wisdom to give you other than this: Your bio says you are 26. That means you have plenty of time to figure things out :)