Big Girl Buddha Pants

Begin Again.. and Again.. and Again...

2011-02-07T21:26:00.000-08:00

Last week in yoga class during savasnaya it hit me how far I have gotten away from my practice... hard.

It has been a busy few months, spending as many nights in strange hotel rooms as I do in my own familar bed, the new job, which has as many triumphs as it does challenges, a new home, a new roommate who is a dear old friend, and trying to find a way to balance that with finding enough time for my love and the friends who bring so much joy. I've found my practice falling by the side at a time when I need it the most.

I find myself getting agitated about things that I used to let go, clinging to my perceptions of how life should be, instead of relaxing in to how it is. Cranky and short tempered and not present. I don't like it, but I am trying to hold myself in a place of non judgement, while taking the steps to get back to where I was.

So last week, while snowed in in my hotel, I found the time to sit, and it was so unbelievably uncomfortable. Every place my thoughts wandered was full of criticism, full of longing, full of pain.

And I know it will get easier, as before. Sitting, and practicing through out my day, will become what it used to be, a way of life, and not something I need to be reminded of.

But I can't help feeling like I've let myself, and the people who loved the peaceful and kind spirit that I miss so much, down.

But I suppose it is a process and one that I will re-start as many times as needed.

So here is to another start.

With metta.

Memories don't go away

2010-12-21T17:59:00.000-08:00

I should have more to say and I do have more to say, but December has been exhausting, including a four day hospital stay. I'm fine, but it was scary, and a reminder I need to slow down and pay attention when I'm not feeling well. That may not have solved anything this time, but it could have. Had it not been for the heavy narcotics and antibiotics I was getting every four hours or the concerned looks the doctors gave as they called in every consult imaginable to try to figure out why the antibiotics weren't helping the infection, I might have found the disconnection peaceful. But instead I vacilated between heavily drugged and terrifed. From here on out I pledge to remain a little more connected with what my body is telling me.

So because of that, and the fact that I'm still reeling from another more recent four day invasion of my safety net of an atmosphere, I'll only leave you with this...

Je vais bien ne t'en fais pas

2010-11-10T18:34:00.000-08:00

367 days

2010-10-22T14:51:00.000-07:00

Today would have been my ten year anniversary with the ex, and instead I sit and wait for a plane to take me from Detroit to New York, to get in to a car and travel to Connecticut and present to a group of physicians...

It has been 367 days since everything I thought I had, that I wanted, came crashing down.

367 days that I never thought I'd survive, days that I spent growing in the most painful way possible.

367 days where I learned that you can never take your friends for granted, because they will be the ones to offer to cuddle up in bed with you, or pull you out of it when you can't even remember how to put on your shoes, let alone where you left them. Your friends will come over and clean your apartment, pick out your clothes and understand when "I just can't" means you really can't, or when it means you just need the extra push. I learned that family is incredible, and the comfort of those who have known you since the moment of your birth, is worth more than gold. That the ones who will rage the loudest at your defense are the ones you might have thought always thought he was the best part of you. I have learned that the kindness of people you barely know can lift you up. I have learned that you should go after things that you want, even if the idea of getting it is just as terrifying as not. I have learned that love is possible again, and it might be scary and it might be hard, but it is worth it. But most importantly I learned that a relationship, that an expectation of how your life should be, does not define you. I have learned to stand on my own two feet, to look in the mirror and be proud of the person I have become, and for that I am grateful.

I owe the ex our security deposit on our home together. After he broke up with me and I received the deposit in the mail, I decided I deserved it. Not because he broke up with me, but because I was caring for his cat and our dog. I know... I know... but in some way it was justified in my mind. And believe me, the cat, with all her kidney issues, has cost me close to a thousand dollars.

But now that $400 is only the difference between me and a pair of Loubitons (ok and paying down a bit of debt), well, I realize I never should have kept it in the first place.

And I'm stuck. Will he think that I am sending the money only to hurt him? Will he be angry? Will it cause him pain in any way?

I could easily rationalize not sending it. I accumulated a bit of debt when we lived together, neither of us being able to afford the lifestyle we preferred to live, and me having the significantly larger paycheck and credit limit. But sending it will help me, I will no longer have that debt to him hanging over my head... but I'm not sure if that's selfish.

And what I want to do is this; give the check to his father when I bring his stuff. Tell him to send it to him, or give it to him the next time he is in town. I'll include a note and tell him to read it only when he's ready.

And I will say- I forgive you, I forgive me. Someday you will wake up, look at the person you love, and think, this is why it happened. You will think of where you are, compared to where you were before, think of how much you have grown, how you felt pain you didn't know you could ever feel, and then felt joy and love, made all that sweeter because it grew from pain. And you will know that it is all ok. That the ways we hurt one another, while awful, led you to this. You would not know the sweetness of true love, if you had not known the pain of a true love lost. You would not know what it is like to do things that terrify you, because you had not known that you were a survivor. You would not know what it is like to wake up every day thinking this very moment is a gift, because you hadn't woken up wishing this life away. Perhaps you've already had that moment, perhaps you have forgiven me and most importantly forgiven yourself. And while my greatest fear when you left was this, that you would become hardened to me, and we would not be friends, I understand and respect your wishes. I wish that someday you will dance at my wedding and hold me with a smile in your heart, but I know that is your choice. I want you to know I will always answer if you need me and know you probably never will. You will always have a friend in me.

365 days

2010-10-20T08:00:00.000-07:00

Planting Flowers

2010-10-17T18:28:00.000-07:00

I spent today working in the yard, my yard (well soon enough, not that I am in any hurry for my darling brother and sister-in-law to leave). It is something I had missed after my year in the apartment.

Moving took a lot out of me, with emotional land mines buried everywhere. There are several boxes waiting to be deposited at the ex's father's house, things he had asked my mom to store from his childhood, because he felt they would be safest there. Part of me feels as if it is a bit of betrayal to send them to where he did not want them, but the other part of me knows that things have changed, and as much as I have a severe distate for those who try to hide their past, his past is not mine to store.

And there were so many things that I came across that I had not discarded, because when I moved in to that tiny apartment, I believed that our lives would be rejoined in a year on the other side of the country. So packing became an agonizing lesson that life is not always what we think it will be, but that it will certainly go on.

As I closed the door to that empty apartment, I looked around as I did a year ago when I first saw it. I opened that door as a woman scared because the man I loved was leaving, nervous to live all by myself for the very first time, and essentially prepared to put my life on hold for love. I shut the door as a woman stronger than I ever imagined I could be, taking the first steps in to a new career, a new love and a very beautiful life. I don't regret the past year, not any of it, but I am pleased to be done with it.

And as I sat planting the peony (my favorite) bush in the backyard, and the 50 some bulbs of tulips, crocuses and anemones in the front, I realized life is a little like planting bulbs in the fall. You dig a hole, plant a seed, cover it with dirt and hope like hell that you did it right. Sometimes you are fairly certain you did, it is hard not to spot the pointed end in a tulip bulb, but with the tiny rock shaped anemones, well you just have to try your best, and hope it all works out. Only time will tell. Spring may come and my front yard could be filled with an amazing array of purple blooms, or it might not.

I can only take comfort in the fact that last fall I planted the seeds the best I knew how and what I thought was a giant mess turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

Let's hope my garden yields the same results.

Green Grass All Around

2010-09-15T17:18:00.000-07:00

My life has been full of trying to remember new people, new jobs, new directions and new hotel room numbers. My head is spinning with new,new, new.

I suppose its no wonder that sitting here in a lovely hotel, after eating a fantastic dinner, that all I want is the comfort of the old.

That's what we get, we want change so desperately, we claw at that damn door until it opens, and then we sit on the other side wondering why we can't have the things we left behind too.

I am lucky, I get to live with one foot firmly rooted at home and one foot traveling throughout the US. A marriage of my favorite things.

But right now, when everything is moving at hyper speed and the closest thing to consistency is my hotel room and the closest thing I have to real time human connection is the daily note I receive from my housekeeper, well, I want to slow down.

I want to wake up next to the cute boy and not have to hop out of bed to hit the road, I want to spend a Tuesday night staving off the fall chill with a bonfire in a friend's yard.

I know... I know... I wanted this... I still want this... But it also makes me appreciate those that I love so much.

I can't wait to kiss the cute boy's face, squeeze my bestie's hand, laugh hysterically with the favorites and cuddle with my sweet pup.

Perhaps that's the lesson here, I wanted to leave it all behind, instead, I've come to appreciate it more and I still get to keep it.

Life is so very sweet.

Cha Cha Cha Changes

2010-08-25T12:47:00.000-07:00

I've been surrounded by emotional land mines this week. Packing up my apartment and preparing to move, I have become insanely jealous that the ex managed to leave me with everything from our past.

If I have to see one more photo...

But then I remind myself that I would rather shoulder the full burden then have none and I can breathe a little easier.

At the same time I am packing my apartment I am also packing up my office. I got the dream job, they called about two weeks later to tell me they had another opening on the medical practice side. I have waited for almost two months on pins and needles while they moved through the internal applicant process.

I got the call on the way home from Alpine Valley. It has been a week of utter disbelief.

I will be working from home and my region will be Massachutes to Maine. The company seems incredible, my new boss fabulous, and the pay wonderful.

But it has been bittersweet, lots of tears shed with my current boss. Our CEO grabbing me today during a starbucks run and telling me that I am respected and well liked and will be missed, and not to sound big headed, but in a company of 10,000 employees, that feels really nice. My boss's boss calling me today to tell me that everyone is worried because I do so much and it will be impossible for one person to replace me. I will miss this place, and it is just all happening so fast.

In 10 days I will driving to Indiana for two weeks of hotel living, orientation and meeting my new team.

I have been demanding change and it appears I got it, so I think it's best to shut up and love it.

If you do not understand your past you can not comprehend your present

2010-08-18T15:31:00.000-07:00

There's been so many times in the past year that I stop and think "what a difference three (six, eight) months makes" as every day I realize just how much I have healed.

Until earlier this month when I asked the ex if he was unable to take his cat permanently (as he had led me to believe was the plan all along, I only knew otherwise because of a friend), could he at least take her for several months while I was moving some things around in my life. I elaboarated, wished him well, told him how happy I was to be feeling so whole and healed, how I wasn't angry, how I missed my friend, but understood, and that the cat was not a way to get back in to his life.

I waited a week for this response: I am unable to take the cat. I wish you luck in finding her a home. I am not whole or healed. I think it is best we remain nostalgic seperately.

Holy ton of bricks. The plate I was holding in my hand seemed to throw itself across the room and hit the wall. The blackberry clattered to the floor. The amount of rage that was coursing through my body was unbearable.

Every terrible word I could think of came to mind: pathetic, useless, irresponsible. And I wrote them all down. I told him why he hadn't healed, why he wasn't whole. I lashed out at him hiding from his past. But before I hit send I took a deep breath (and broke another bowl). And decided to sit on it.

When my father died I carried so very much anger around inside my heart. I raged because I could not tell him how I felt. Until one night I dreamt of him, I screamed, I ranted, I cried. And I woke up laughing. Finally I had said what I wanted to say and I could move on.

A week ago I dreamt of the ex, I looked him in the eye and told him exactly what I thought of his decision to leave me with all his memories, responsibilities (both financial and mammilian), his cowardly actions. I held his face and said "look, I need you to understand that I still wish you well even after all this, how can you have hardened yourself to your past like this." And he understood. And I awoke feeling once again pieced back together again. There is no need to say it to him.

Susan Piver makes reference in "The Wisdom of a Broken Heart" about how sometimes trying to speak to an ex is like throwing punches that never connect. Even though my punches had slowly turned into hugs, either way they would never connect. And I don't need them to anymore.

I saw his beautiful brother at Phish in Alpine Valley, after the mini heart explosion happened, we talked, with me constantly grabbing him for a hug, and it wasn't until I walked away and grabbed the cute boys hand that I realized it never occured to me to ask how the ex was. Its not that I didn't care, I wish him so much peace, I just no longer need to know.

Wow....

2010-07-29T13:13:00.000-07:00

I spent last Sunday in the Emergency Center with one of the bff's holding my hand as I went from crying that my life was a wreck to laughing hysterically that my legs were melting after the pain medication kicked in.

I was there with cellulitis, in my cheek, which was so swollen H remarked that I looked like the elephant man in that Cher movie. (I think this is when the crying started)

The pain was comparable to when I woke up screaming with dry sockets and the ex had to cut darvocet in to tiny pieces so I could have enough relief to make it through the night.

I'm healing now, feeling better, struggling with a three week excercise ban from my physician. But still feeling the dragging effects of dealing with an infection like that. I could sleep for days if I could get away with it.

Health is temporary, illness is temporary. But it was such a blessing to have a friend like her to take care of me.

As for the cute boy- well I'm rocking out with my giant biosphere... to be honest I'm still not quite sure where things are, but think we both want the same thing... happiness... and I'm ok with this... I think...

Finding a Container for Love

2010-07-12T09:22:00.000-07:00

Irisha, one of the bloggers at the group blog, An Appropriate Response, recently wrote an entry regarding dharma in relationships, inspired by a Buddhist Geeks podcast.

I haven’t listened to the podcast yet, between Buddhist Geeks and Lama Marut (if you haven’t checked out his podcasts- do so- my runs fly by because my heart is kept so light listening to him) I have quite the backlog. But it is there, and soon I will listen.

She writes about authenticity with her partner, about dropping expectations and fear of loss and simply dealing with what is at hand in the relationship.

Which is a beautiful thing to do inside the container of a loving relationship.

But what happens when there is no container? Or at least not one that you are really sure is there.

Because there is nothing there, I’ve been able to spend time contemplating what I want. Things with the cute boy are going well, he makes me smile, he tells me he loves me, I even caught him nuzzling Daisy the other night when I went to brush my teeth. But he refuses to say we are doing anything more than hanging out.

I’ve brought it up and he gets quiet… and awkward… and just looks so darn vulnerable and cute I have a really hard time pressing the issue.

And I’ve been telling myself that I don’t need a label. That labeling is what causes expectations and pressure. But the thing is I do.

I am struggling trying to balance what my practice teaches me about life and what I need in a romantic relationship.

I know I am difficult in love; I need space, so much space. I need to do my own thing and rage and cry and laugh and love in a very, very large container. I need to get lost in a book, a class, a conversation, even my own mind and not worry that my partner will feel disconnected. Some people would like their container to be Tupperware, I prefer mine to be like a biosphere. Completely self sufficient... But I still like knowing at the end of the day I have a partner who will support me and hold me up if I ever need it, that there is a hand to hold and a loving smile when things go terribly wrong.

And I know a label does not create this. And so I’ve struggled with it. I have spent time both on the cushion and off contemplating what I want. I wanted to be sure of what I was saying before I said it, to know that I really could follow through.

What I wanted to say was this: I realize I went in to this saying that I didn’t want a commitment, that I’m stubborn and impossible and can tend to lose my head in love and I absolutely do not want to go through that pain again, but I realized no matter what kind of ground rules are laid down, when this ends, it will hurt, even if I pretend we are nothing serious, because we are. And it’s ok if you don’t want this, I can’t be mad if we want two different things, I love you and we will remain friends no matter what. But for my own sake, I can’t continue in limbo.

And of course, though I’ve been planning the conversation for the past two weeks, it came out jumbly and wrong and left the boy confused on what I was asking. And when I clarified, he asked if I was giving him an ultimatum, and as much as I tried to argue that I absolutely was not giving an ultimatum, but merely a choice, I know the truth.

And he asked for time, which was a relief, even if he had responded the way I wanted in that moment, I would have felt like I pressured him in to it.

And I realize I could lose him over this. And I am so torn, am I trying to control, to shape, to write a story? Or am I merely asking for what I want while remaining comfortable if I don't get it? At what point do we stop just letting things unfold and try to bring some sort of definition to the path?

I don’t know, but could sure use some words of wisdom.

Your Girl is Lovely Hubbell

2010-07-08T19:28:00.000-07:00

I've come to realize something these past couple of days... or maybe it's just that I've had to deal with it more this week, but in spite of all the anger, hurt and terrible words that have been said...

I really miss my best friend.

Summer of Lovingkindness

2010-07-06T20:05:00.000-07:00

Mahala Mazerov, who writes the beautiful blog Luminous Heart, has proposed a summer exercise called the Summer of Lovingkindness Invitational. A way to get us Buddhist (and not so Buddhist) bloggers (tweeters, artists, musicians, livers, etc.) to feel the love a little more.

I was the first to sign up.

I need some lovingkindness in my life.

And it couldn't have come at a more perfect time. But then I realized I was committed to writing about it, and when I wasn't feeling it, how could I possibly write about it?

And today I have just felt so hollow, empty. Without love or kindness to the incredible people in my life who offer it to me and even less so to the people who don't, who teach me so many lessons that I have to learn.

I spent the better part of my evening with friends, sitting pool side in the 95 degree weather, just wanting to feel "right" and not being able to find it.

I came home and sat, thinking a maitri practice might help me cultivate the bits that I knew were buried in my heart. And I couldn't, it didn't feel right, the ex was in the wrong place, now in the spot of someone who caused me harm, and the people I feel the most love for were not lighting that spark that causes such warmness in my heart. And then his face came to me, the sweet boy who I so adore who I have not seen in a year. He is the son of the ex's cousin. I carry his photo around in my day planner because I miss him so.

And my heart exploded. The amount of love that I felt is enough to carry me through the next week, which will be tough, having his energy once again in my space. I feel it already and I don't even think he has landed.

And when I finished my sit I saw a very sweet tweet from Mahala wishing me lovingkindness and a facebook note from the ex's cousin saying this: G told me yesterday that he misses you... He just adores you and hopes that he can see you sometime : ).

And my heart (and eyes) became so full they spilled over.

One Teeny Tiny Baby Step at a Time

2010-07-06T10:56:00.000-07:00

Fuck.

I mean I knew he’d be coming home. He may have completely ignored everyone who loved him for his 27 years here, wrapped up as he as in his own self, but he still has family. Of course he’d come back.

I guess I figured I’d have warning. And that I wouldn’t get the news from one of the bff’s because he called her to hang out.

And I am so very torn. I want to tell her not to see him. I want to employ every method I know to guilt her in to ignoring him, like he’s ignored her for the past six months. To get her to realize he only cares when he needs something...

But my heart breaks when I realize that if she says no his feelings will be hurt. He will feel shunned in the place that is his home, no matter how much he doesn’t want it to be.

And so it goes, one heart will break no matter what.

I’d rather it be mine. For nine years I put his feelings first. Even now, after he’s accused me of never supporting or accepting him, it will be no different.

I can’t stand to see him hurt, even if his disregard for my feelings allows him to feel ok reaching out to one of my bff’s, even if that kills me, I won’t do the same.

But some days I wish I could...

Love in the Time of Facebook

2010-07-01T15:20:00.000-07:00

Facebook I think it’s time I quit you.

When the ex and I broke up we remained facebook friends… for a while… and I resisted the urge to spend hours looking at his photos or seeing what he was up to. Until it just became too much that the new love in his life commented on his every… single... status...

(ed note: I hate treacle, I have fallen head over heels for a man who makes me smile so much my cheeks hurt and I still cringe a bit that there are photos of us on facebook, so this is not a judgment on her overzealous commentary, it is a judgment on my stone cold charcoal heart)

But I’ve digressed. We hit that point, I de-friended. I needed to stop seeing eveidence of his happy new life in my newsfeed. Hard to move on when you're being smacked with it every day. I left our photos until he told me that he could no longer be my friend (in real-life folks, obviously the facebook de-friending was what did us in, because if it’s happening on facebook…) and was blaming the whole break-up on me. I hung up the phone and spent the next three hours untagging and deleting every photo of him and of us. Why? I didn’t want him to beat me to the punch and be the one left in a million photos with just myself tagged. And it felt strangely cathartic, nine years of my life erased in just three hours of work. (ok and countless hours of therapy)

And I’ve stayed away for the most part. I am trying to keep on the middle way, not wildly swinging from high to low (yes it has been a tough few weeks for that).

I wish him peace and happiness, but I know that if he even occupies one pinhole of space in my heart it will soon bloom like a mold on a damp summer day.

And I simply cannot.

And today I logged on to facebook and there he was, in my news feed; because mutual friends had commented on his page.

And for a minute I got caught up, I looked at photos and caught my breath at his face. After ten years of following his illness through his looks, (he would very rarely share when he was unwell) I know, and I don’t want to know. While I wish him health with all my might, he is not mine to worry about.

I read his status updates and felt a tinge of rage in my heart that he told me he did not have the money to take the cat and yet he spent two weeks in Yosemite.

I felt tears sting my eyes at his utter disregard for the strain (financial and emotionally) that he has left with me.

And then I began to breathe again. This pain is temporary. Tonight I will be wrapped up in the arms of the cute boy and we will once again spend hours talking about nothing and everything. I will smile and my heart will be so full in a bed with my three loves. And this won’t matter. Because truly; nothing is happening. And no matter how it feels in this moment, this pain is not knowingly caused by him.

And I smile and close his page with a silent wish for him to be well and to live with ease.. and so I heal and I carry on and I do the same.

But facebook, seriously, not freaking cool….

I've Been Unfaithful

2010-06-24T17:35:00.000-07:00

Bless me Father, for I have sinned... I've been cheating on you. I've been absent because I've been working with my brother on a news blog for If It Was My Home, about the Deep Horizon oil spill. Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere, but I think it's important to understand what's happening in our oceans and to report it out in a way that can help people wrap their heads around what appears to be an inconceivable mess.

So check it out, tell me what you think, share it with friends. The map alone has had over 2.5 million visitors since its inception. I credit my amazing brother for coming up with a simple way for people to comprehend the magnitude.

But now that it's up and running, I'll be back. Tomorrow even!

2010-06-22T09:14:00.000-07:00

I didn't get it...

And so I am trying to take comfort that my boss broke into a happy dance and my co-worker across the hall is equally thrilled....

And to think of how reassuring it was to hear that they would love to hire me if they had two open positions and that it was difficult and I would be a great fit and so on....

And how it was so very sweet for the cute boy to tell me that I'm #1 to him....

And to remind myself that everything (yes everything, I even mean the ex) in my life I have been able to look back on and understand my path.

But I can't help thinking this was a very inconvenient time to move into the window office.

Breathe in and breathe; All I can do and have faith, so moving forward at peace with that. I guess I can't get all the good stuff at once anyhow ;)!

Today I Like.... YOU!

2010-06-17T09:19:00.000-07:00

I still want to talk about anger, and the way what I was trying to say didn't come out right last week. But I'm still mentally exhausted from Tuesday and also working on another blog about the oil spill and the long standing repercussions and how 20 billion dollars is a huge amount of money but not enough for the 100's of years (and that's conservative) of clean up efforts that this will take.

So instead I'm giving you this, which appears to be a cop-out, but really is how I want to start my days. Including the adorable onesie pajamas (sorry cute boy, this is what I'm rocking out to bed in from now on) and the counter stand (ok, confession I stand on my bathroom counter regularly, I also sit in my sink, and dance pretty much every morning).

And keeping with the spirit...

My 5 Things I Like About Today

1. My creatures; waking up to the pup snuggled behind my knees and the cat on top of my head like a hat, that much love at 6 am is a treat!

2. The weather; it is amazing out, not a cloud anywhere, low humidity and a perfect breeze

3. Leftover Chinese for Lunch; enough said

4. My hair (owing to the low humidity); my curls are under control today

5. I'm cooking for the first time since October, when I made dinner for the ex in Seattle; the cute boy is coming over for tuna steaks and other goodness, I'm excited but semi terrified I've forgotten how to cook...

So be well and think about all the things that add the sparkle to your day!

Sigh

2010-06-16T13:31:00.000-07:00

I'm home from Indiana. My voice is still recovering after talking for nine hours and I still feel pretty exhausted. But I have a good feeling about this. Trying to remind myself that even if I don't get it, I am still one of three nationally recruited candidates and that is impressive. We'll see if that still carries me if I find out I haven't gotten it.

I always seem to have "good" meditation in hotels. (I know there is no good or bad meditation, but come on you know what I mean) I wonder if it is because there are so few distractions? Or at least no cat attempting to eat my mala and no pup trying to eat my meditation cushion and one me trying to fight the giggles at the crazy creatures.

I suppose this is a plus for a job that will have me constantly on the road...

Reckoning

2010-06-08T05:57:00.000-07:00

A person isn't who they are during the last conversation you had with them - they're who they've been throughout your whole relationship.

Rainer Maria Rilke

Smack me upside the forehead please... I've not been a very graceful, bodhichitta filled, woman.

I was not going to be bitter or angry, I became angry. Everyone tells you anger is healing and you need to be angry, you are entitled to your anger, if you're not angry you are not dealing. And so I got angry. And maybe it didn't seem like real anger, there was no yelling, no screaming, I never said anything at all when he is brought up, but it was there bubbling under the surface, causing me a lot of pain. I allowed his actions to shape my thoughts and allow my blood to boil and to feel a rage that had long been quieted. And worst of all I felt that I was entitled to that anger, that I was entitled to hang a sign around my neck that read "woman wronged". Bullshit... In doing so he clung harder to the corners and the cracks of my heart and my brain. I don't know if once again letting go of all that anger will let go of the tiny pieces of him that still hang around, but I do know it is the right thing to do.

I must remember that his actions are on his karma and my responses, even if he never sees them, are on mine.

Bonfire!

2010-06-01T12:38:00.000-07:00

My burning karma in effigy form

The thing about burning karma is that when you have a big old burning man style bonfire of it things are bound to ease up eventually.

Things were so very dark, I couldn't possibly see a way out. I was talking with my boss today who asked me if I ever thought it would be possible that things would be this good again, I laughed, because I didn't.

And they are, things are so very very good.

I have made it to the third stage of the interview process for a consulting company that would allow me to work from home when I am not traveling. I would be taking all of the pieces of my job that I love and eliminating the pieces that I find hard to handle. In addition the very substantial pay increase would have my personal goal of making 100k by the time I'm 30 practically met at 26. Next step is a lengthy web presentation which makes my heart flutter because I know I can absolutely kill it, presenting is what I live for in my current job, but it also scares me to no end because now I WANT this.

There's the possibility of a week long trip to LA at the end of the month to film another commercial, (yep, I'm famous, don't tell) made sweeter by the fact that one of my favorite people on earth made the big move there on Saturday. So in addition to an all expenses paid trip to a fantastic city, where I get pampered and treated quite beautifully, I will get to see someone I wasn't planning on being able to see until September, who makes my heart burst with love and happiness.

And things with the cute boy are good. A pretty nice day spent together yesterday and some sweet conversation. Made sweeter by the fact he seemed genuinely happy that this new job would not be taking me to a new state as previously thought.

I have been blessed with amazing people to spend my days with and amazing opportunities to make me grow. And I'm doing it all while firmly rooted in the present with great attention to my practice.

No I never could have dreamed that things would be like this, the reality is so much sweeter.

Oil Spill

2010-05-28T09:00:00.000-07:00

Because I think it's really important to be able to put things like the oil spill in perspective and because it's not every day my brother gets a shout in the New York Times (ok it probably is, he's successful and brilliant and continually blows my mind with how intelligent he is) check out this.

And so it goes

2010-05-27T20:34:00.000-07:00

He does not know what to make of her, this girl with a corner office who reads Bukowski and Voltaire, who talks too much of Buddhism after a few too many glasses of wine. He doesn't know her history, doesn't know that her life has shaped her to flee from a man who finds nothing wrong with being drunk, not just drunk, but staggering drunk, at 5 on a Thursday afternoon.

He has not yet found out that she finds that sort of behavior only acceptable at 2 am, when the bars are closing and everyone is being deposited home by the safety of their cabs. He doesn't know, because she hasn't told him, and because he hasn't known to ask.

And yet she leaves with him anyhow and curls up with him on the couch and he puts on "Born Into This" and when he sleepily questions, "who is this Bulowski fellow anyhow", she replies "a misogynist drunk and I love him so". And when he asks, "is this why you like me so much," he falls asleep before he hears her sigh, "perhaps".

He doesn't know that her thoughts have drifted to a balcony in a small town in Italy, where she read Bukowski aloud to a man who knew her story because he lived it with her, where they laughed at the good fortune that the kind Italian grandmother who lived in the room below did not speak English and did not know the words they were speaking to one another. And later they giggled more at their struggles to keep the creaky old bed from squeaking too much, because even she could interpret that.

He doesn't know any of this because she has not let him. A burn victim will always be timid around a flame.

And when she leans in to kiss his sleeping lips goodbye and smells the sweet scent of liquor in his sweat she wonders if this is the last time she will say goodbye to him, if she'll ever let him know her story, if he'll ever think to ask.

Because it is that sort of evening

2010-05-27T19:49:00.000-07:00

Oh, yes
.
there are worse things than
being alone
but it often takes decades
to realize this
and most often
when you do
it's too late
and there's nothing worse
than
too late.

-Charles Bukowski

Today I am Happy

2010-05-18T07:30:00.000-07:00

I came home to a box of my things on my front porch, with a note tucked inside from the ex. I was surprised at how final it felt, how much it hurt. This is what I wanted, to be done, forever. So I was shocked when I realized my heart was racing and I was crying.

But after a long hard run in the rain, a decently lengthy sit, and a glass (or three) of a delicious red wine, things were better. Shifting my focus back to being grateful for what I had, and what I currently have, and not being so concerned with what I don't have, with what I lost.

And while the run helped quiet my breaking heart, and the wine made my brain slightly fuzzy enough to lull me to sleep, it was the time spent in meditation that brought me back around.

And tonight I hang out with the cute boy and this weekend I'm heading to Chicago to drink champagne with some women who make my heart full, things are good, I just have to let them be.